The Ideal Page 5

  Savy’s parents were kind people, and I guess in a way her whole family looked after mine. But the price Savy paid was much steeper than her folks.

  I sat in my car long after she’d gone inside. The sun was scorching, beating through my windshield, the leather heating under my skin. A small slice of hell.

  Maybe that was the punishment I deserved for wanting the only friend my brother had.

  Chapter Six

  Savy

  Today was one of the best days of my life. I’d never felt so alive. I’d never felt so real. I was around people without having Nate hanging over me like a rain cloud about to burst open and drown everyone around him. I didn’t have to worry that he was going to stare anyone down who got too close to us. I didn’t have to worry about him getting into fights. Today, people talked to me and they laughed with me like I was one of them. Hanging on a summer Sunday by the lake. I wasn’t wrapped in caution tape, and it felt amazing. I danced, with other kids my age. Guys held me while we moved, touching all the skin my bikini bared, exactly like all the other people dancing together.

  Jeremy had given me something Nate took away. Or, more accurately, something I allowed him to take away—permission to be a whole version of myself.

  I wanted more.

  I rode the high of my afternoon with Jeremy all the way until I got out of the shower and found Nate lying on my bed. It was as if all my newfound energy evaporated with the steam I’d let out when I opened the door.

  “Hey.” It wasn’t unusual for him to make himself at home in my room. He didn’t knock, and my parents never stopped him. I wasn’t unhappy to see him. Not at all. Guilty, maybe. Or more like Nate being here was my reality and driving with the windows down in Jeremy’s car was my fantasy.

  “You’re sunburned.” His eyes studied my pink nose and cheeks, missing nothing when it came to me, a frown on his full lips.

  “Yeah, I laid out this afternoon and fell asleep.” That was a bold-faced lie and it came out incredibly easy. Who was this girl I was becoming? I’d never lied to Nathan before, I’d never done anything that warranted a lie. I was always right next to him, keeping him company and keeping him in line. “How was work?”

  “It was fine.” He scooted over on my bed, making room for me to lay down on the soft pink blanket. “What’s in the queue for tonight?”

  “We could finally start season three of Penny Dreadful.” I turned off the lamp on my nightstand and grabbed the remote before snuggling under the covers next to Nate. I rested my head on his chest, breathing in his familiar woodsy scent. I’d done this a dozen times or more, yet I wondered if these casual touches were what I wanted, or had it been going on for so long I’d been conditioned to accept this as normal.

  Guilt gnawed at my insides, making my chest physically ache. I’d been complaining about my best friend, then came home and lied to his face. I was sneaking around, spending time with his older brother like a sailor on shore leave. Nate didn’t deserve this from me, or from his brother. His hand rested on my hip, his lips pressing a kiss to the top of my head. He felt like home, like comfort. Like a quilt that had been washed a thousand times.

  “I thought you couldn’t bear to see it end?” Nate poked my ribs playfully. “We’ve had Josh Hartnett on ice for over a year. What gives?”

  My sad small was for myself, my face still turned to the television. “All good things must come to an end, right?”

  He hummed in agreement and pressed play. I wiped at the lone tear that rolled down my cheek before he could notice. I wasn’t sure which ending was making me emotional, but I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed.

  We watched two episodes, then Nate kissed my temple and headed home. Temple, cheek, hand. Nothing more. Ever. But still, it wasn’t...normal.

  I’d barely paid attention to the plot of season three. I’d spent the two hours going over my relationship with the Deacon boys with a fine-tooth comb.

  I liked my quiet time with my best friend. I really did. The problem was I didn’t need that quiet time to be constant and presumed. Demanded even. I rolled over onto my back and stared at my ceiling. It was still covered in glow in the dark plastic stars Nate had put up for me when we were nine. They were actual constellations. Not the usual ones like the Big Dipper either. They were less known ones like Lyra and Cygnus.

  I shouldn’t complain about him. He was so good to me. So caring and protective. I should consider myself lucky. I should count Nate as a blessing, not a burden.

  What was wrong with me lately? Why was I being so dramatic?

  Maybe it was college looming. Maybe it was the thought of living without his constant presence.

  My cell vibrated on my nightstand and I reached for it presuming it was Nate telling me good night.

  Stop feeling guilty for having fun today.

  Jeremy. I huffed out a laugh as I sent back my reply.

  How do you know I’m feeling guilty?

  I can hear your conflicted thoughts all the way over here.

  I did have fun.

  I know you did. And you’re going to have fun tomorrow too. Stop worrying about Nate. He got his Savy injection. He’s fine.

  Savy injection?

  You’re his drug, his medication. I know he ran to you as soon as he got home from work.

  It’s what we do.

  No, it’s what he needs.

  I can be both people. I can be steady for him and wild for you.

  You want to be wild for me, Savy?

  My cheeks heated as I read his text. With. I should have used with instead of for. I’d meant with. Right?

  I closed my eyes and remembered the feeling of being in the water with Jeremy. Of the wind in my hair and the sun on my face. It’d felt good, every single second of it. I wanted to be both. I wanted to be Nate’s best friend and Jeremy’s…whatever I was. I wanted to have it all, if only for a little while. I wanted the best of both worlds. Guilt be damned.

  Yes.

  I put my phone faced down on my nightstand, switching it to silent. I didn’t want to see Jeremy’s response to my bold answer. I didn’t want to obsess about it if he didn’t reply.

  Jeremy wasn’t even what this was about, not really. This was about me having some fun and finding out who I was without Nate. I needed to know me. Jeremy was doing me a favor, a favor that could get him in a lot of trouble with his brother. I saw the way Jeremy looked at me today. I knew he appreciated what he saw. But in two months he would be back at school and I’d be a distant memory of a summer between his sophomore and junior year of college.

  Chapter Seven

  Jeremy

  I hadn’t seen Savy in about twenty-four hours. I’d let her and my brother run alone this morning. I was being chicken shit. I was too afraid that Nathan would see the lust and need in my eyes when I looked Savannah. Last night’s text was a mistake. I should’ve never asked her that.

  You want to be wild for me, Savy?

  I knew what she meant. I knew that she’d mixed up her words. But holy hell, I’d been turned on, and was breathing hard with heated skin. My pulse had started to race and it took everything in me not to crawl through her window and dare her to show me exactly how wild she could be.

  Instead I’d turned my phone off to toss and turn all night. She could be wild, but she couldn’t be wild for me. That was a line I wouldn’t cross. I wouldn’t do that to my brother or to her. I refused to be her first heartbreak, and that was the only way this “thing” between us could end.

  “Where you headed tonight?”

  Nathan stood in the hall outside the bathroom, watching me fix my hair. It could be the guilt talking, but his question sounded more like an accusation. “Concert. You wanna come?” I knew he had to work tonight, and I knew he wouldn’t blow it off. It wasn’t who he was. Schedules were important to him. He needed routine.

  “Can’t.” He took a step back and leaned against the wall. “Who you going with?”

  “Max and a couple of other guys
from my class.” I rolled up the sleeves of my white button down and headed back into my room, trying to keep my tone even and not sound like a lying bastard.

  Nathan followed me. “When you leaving?”

  About ten minutes after you do, bro.

  “In a few.” I reached into my closet and grabbed my well-loved black chucks, slipping them on. Nathan never gave two shits what I was doing or who I was doing it with. The only person’s whereabouts that mattered to him were Savy’s, which was exactly why the inquisition was making me feel twitchy as hell.

  I didn’t know what she’d told him she was doing tonight, or if she’d even bothered with a fabricated story. Maybe he assumed she’d be safely tucked into her bed since he’d be at work. Savy didn’t have other friends. She didn’t hang out with the girls or have date nights. I wondered if Nathan even realized she existed without him. Perhaps he thought he brought her to life when he was with her. Like a wind-up doll. “What’s with all the questions?”

  “Just curious.” He glanced out my bedroom window, which was a direct shot into Savy’s house. I couldn’t see into her bedroom though. Believe me, after her cheeky wild comment last night, I’d checked. Yep. Go ahead and judge. I was pathetic.

  “You sure you don’t want to come? Blow off work and have some fun?” I swallowed past the lump in my throat.

  “No thanks.” He studied me for another few seconds and then walked off like the last five minutes of interrogation questions never even happened. I let out a sigh of relief when I heard the front door open and close.

  I’d forgotten the way Nathan communicated with most people. I think the only person he ever gave the curtesy of an actual goodbye was Savy. She was different, and that had started from the moment they’d met. My dad used to call her angel baby. I thought it was because she had tons of light-covered hair and her little cheeks would get red when she laughed. But as we got older and my dad wasn’t around to take care of Nathan, I saw the hidden meaning behind the nickname. She was Nathan’s guardian angel.

  I laid back on my bed, and took a couple steadying breathes before grabbing my cell.

  Ready, wild one?

  Wild One suited her better than Angel Baby. She wasn’t a kid anymore. She didn’t need to guard me, and she sure as hell didn’t need to be good for my sake.

  More than.

  Meet me out front.

  I bounded down the stairs and out the front door, calling bye to my mom on the way. I was excited to see Savy. Giddy even. It’d been a whole day and I was suddenly salivating at the thought of being near her again. I paused at my car door when I heard her front door click closed, the sound so familiar to me. She skipped across the green grass, her hair bouncing behind her. She wasn’t wearing a stitch of makeup, and was the prettiest girl I’d ever seen.

  “Good evening, gorgeous.”

  She blushed at my words. “Hey.” She tucked her hair behind her ear and took a few timid steps in my direction.

  I rounded the front of the car, opening her door before she could even reach for it. She climbed in smiling shyly. I clenched and unclenched my fists while I got in the driver’s seat. Savy looked good, her smile was sweet and I wanted to kiss her lips so bad. She was the most innocent temptation I’d ever laid eyes on, and she didn’t even know it.

  “We’re going to go pick up my friend Max and then we’ll head into the city. The band we’re seeing is playing at a dive bar downtown.” I put the car in reverse and backed out of my driveway, my hand on the back of her seat, my fingers inadvertently brushing her silky hair.

  “Oh, uh, I don’t have a fake ID or anything.”

  I glanced over to the passenger seat as I threw the car into drive. Savy was wearing tiny cut off blue jeans shorts and a flowy bohemian looking tank top. Her long legs were crossed and the ankle boots she was rocking were perfect. Her blonde hair was wavy and once again blowing in the wind. She was a sight to behold, and any man would be absolute putty in her bashful hands.

  “I don’t think we’ll have any trouble getting you in. No worries, okay?” She bit her lip as she nodded, and I thanked god that I was driving and had to look at the road. I reached forward and turned the radio up. “This is the band playing tonight. I’ve seen them a couple of times in Boston.” They were a small band, mostly played college towns but they were good and always drew a fun crowd. That’s what I wanted for Savy tonight. I wanted to see her have fun. I wanted her to let loose again, to dance and laugh. To not worry about anyone but herself. She was no one’s keeper when she was with me.

  When I stopped outside Max’s house, I threw my arm over the back of Savy’s seat once again, ducking to look out her window at his front porch.

  This time I touched her hair on purpose, rubbing the soft strands between my fingers. I glanced down at her lap, her hands were fidgeting, twisting the bottom of her top. I bought my palm to the nap of her neck, touching her like that was a dangerous game, but in the moment I couldn’t seem to care.

  “Hey, you okay?”

  She nodded, biting her lip and not making eye contact with me. “Yeah, I’m good.” She studied Max’s house, wincing. “He’s not, uh, going to say anything to Nate is he?”

  I squeezed her neck gently. “Look at me, Savy.” I waited until her gaze met mine before smiling. “I’m not going to let anything bad happen here, okay?” She nodded again and I used my thumb to caress her jawline. “Max won’t say anything to anyone, and no one else from around here has even heard of this band. Plus, it’s a twenty-one and up venue. Not many kids you and Nathan go to school with could even get in.”

  “It’s so silly, isn’t it? We’re allowed to be friends, aren’t we? I’m my own person. I can choose who I spend time with. I shouldn’t even feel like I have to hide anything,” She licked her bottom lip.

  My thumb followed her tongue’s path. I really hadn’t meant to do that, but when I felt her small gasp I realized it’d been worth it. I was touching her too much, and too casually. I knew I was toeing a dangerous line, but I couldn’t seem to make myself stop, and she didn’t tell me to.

  “We can spend time together, there is nothing bad happening here. You aren’t doing anything wrong.” I wanted her to feel safe, I wanted her to feel. Period. I wanted any and every reaction she’d give me. I wanted to see her happy and see her turned on. I wanted to see her wild and rebellious. I wanted to see all of her.

  ***

  The small rundown bar was packed. Standing room only. We’d had no problems getting Savy in, they hadn’t even asked to see her driver’s license. Which was a miracle because she’d seemed so nervous talking to the bouncer you’d think she was smuggling coke in her tiny shorts. Speaking of her cut offs, I’d caught Max staring at her ass more times than I could count. One more and I was going to start backhanding him in the nuts.

  The three of us were standing off to the side of the stage, drinks in hand. I’d gotten Savy a beer that she was nursing. Max was driving us home. He had an early session with his off-season trainer in the morning. I’d keep my count at one or two. Too many and no doubt, I’d end up trying to stick my tongue down Savy’s throat.

  “They’re really good,” she shouted next to my ear, making sure I would hear her over the music.

  I put my palm on her lower back, which wasn’t flirting, it was proper speaking over loud noises etiquette. “I’m glad you like them.” I pointed in the direction of the stage with my drink still in hand. “You should go dance.” There was a group of people that were dancing right in front of the stage. I knew she wanted to. She’d been wiggling and shaking next to me for the last thirty minutes. It was like she couldn’t help but move to the beat.

  She pulled her bottom lip through her teeth, torturing me. “Will you come?”

  I wasn’t going with her. Hell to the no. I’d seen her dance at the lake yesterday, and it was hot. By hot I meant tempting as fuck. “I’ll watch you from here, I promise I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

  She shifted on her fee
t, unsure of what to do. We both knew she wanted to dance, it was whether or not she was going to let go and do it. I stayed still and quiet, watching her try to decide. Then suddenly she was gone, her mind made up in an instant, and I was staring at her ass as she walked away.

  I smiled so big it felt like my face was going to crack. Good girl, Savy.

  “Stop grinning like that. You look deranged.” Max elbowed me in the ribs.

  I took a pull off my beer bottle. “She’s dancing, man.”

  He shrugged. “So? Chicks dance.”

  “She’s out there, doing exactly what she wants to do. She made up her own mind. She walked away from her comfort zone to do what she wanted to do.” I couldn’t take my eyes off her. The way her body moved, the look of pure joy on her beautiful face. She was utterly stunning in every single way that mattered. “Don’t you get how great that is?”

  “No. Not at all.” Max cocked his head to the side, bending slightly at the knees. I flicked the crotch of his pants. “Ow, what the fuck? I was trying to see what was so miraculous about her dancing out there on her own.”

  “You were looking at her ass. Again.” I took another drink of my beer. “What’s so miraculous is that she’s doing what she wants to do without giving a shit what anyone else thinks. That girl has spent her life taking care of my brother. Doing what was best for him. She’s never left his side, has never been wild. She’s never broken a law or missed curfew. She’s never partied. She’s never—”

  “Been kissed? Been touched?” Max crossed his arms, studying me. “Is that where this is going? Is that part of it? I get that you feel guilty and want to help her live a little. I do. But it seems like you’re starting to walk a very thin line.”

  “That’s not where this is headed.” I kept my eyes on Savy while I finished off my first beer. She was beginning to draw a crowd of guys. She was dancing all alone, her eyes were closed as she moved to the music. I told her I’d watch out for her, and it seemed that she trusted me completely. “I’m not walking a thin line. I’m—”