Sanctuary (RiffRaff Records Book 5) Page 14

  “I do want to go ’cause I want to end things with Collin.” I picked at my chipping nail polish. “It’s important to me to close that chapter of my life now that I’m with Nicky.” I’d told her about Nick, how he’d helped me. How we’d fought. “Do you think it’s too soon?”

  “Too soon for what?”

  Geez lady, keep up. “To see Collin. To be around my old life.”

  “Your old life? Evie, it’s all your life, it can’t be separated into old and new. If you’re asking if I think it’s too soon in your recovery process to be in a situation that holds so many triggers? I suppose that’s up to you.”

  Yeah. Kind of what I figured she’d say. “I’m in a good place. And I feel happy, I feel like I can stand up to Collin.” It was more than that though. I needed him gone. I couldn’t have our relationship hanging around my neck like a noose, especially since Nicky wanted Collin dead. Yeah, dramatic, but not far from the truth.

  “You feel happy today, Evie. Happiness will come and go. It’s not a constant or a guarantee in anyone’s life.”

  Downer. “I know. But I really want to do this.” I needed to do this. I needed Collin gone.

  “We’ve learned a lot over the last decade or so about Adderall addiction.” She steepled her hands under her chin, very Freud-like. “People like you who abuse this certain type of drug don’t do it for the same reasons as say, someone who does meth or shoots heroin. Adderall addiction stems from striving to be the best. You needed more hours in the day to succeed, to get the highest grades or raise the most money for charity. Your addiction got the best of you only once your brain could no longer function without the pills. Your body stopped producing the chemicals it needed to make you feel good because the Adderall was doing it for you.” She crossed her legs, her long, billowy skirt moving with her. “You still have Adderall in your system, right?”

  I nodded. “I’m weaning off it, slowly. I take it once a day, ten milligrams.” Which was a hell of a lot less than I was used to popping.

  “Your brain will learn in time to start working properly without the extra boost. Your body will adjust.” She leaned forward. “But the drive to be number one, the desire to be the best, that is something that will take longer to recover from.”

  So, was the dinner a bad idea?

  “If you think going to this dinner is the right move…and I meanly really think it, like you’ve sat down and studied this from all angles, then you should go.” She held her hands up, shrugging. “I feel like you should get in and out quickly, do what you need to do and then walk away. I don’t suggest spending a lot of time with the people who enabled you. As a general rule, when you’re too close to your addiction, you ignore the triggers. But if you’re doing this to help yourself heal, to help and not heed your recovery, then you should do it.”

  ***

  I wasn’t sure what I expected out of my first therapy appointment, but it had gone okay in my opinion. I was glad Dr. Caroline finally started to dole out advice I could actually use there toward the end. Answering questions with questions was as annoying in real life as it seemed on TV.

  Luckily, I’d taken Nicky’s Scout, and the sun beaming down on me had felt nice. I put on my sunglasses and let the wind destroy my hair. Driving back to his apartment, I started to feel lighter, excited. Hopeful even.

  When I got back, I’d felt a little restless so I’d taken Ollie to the dog park. My mom had called and I’d thrown the ball for Nicky’s dog while we chatted. We talked about the usual stuff—her work and my sorority. I told her fake stories about living in the Kappa house. She told me all about my sister’s summer clinic with the Austin Ballet Company. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to tell her any part of what I’d been going through for the last week. But it still felt good to hear her voice, to tell her I loved her.

  “There are my girls.”

  I smiled when I heard Nicky’s voice behind me, turning around and jumping up into his arms. “Hi.” I was still mad at him, but I couldn’t hide the fact that I was glad he’d come to look for me.

  He kissed me sweetly. “Hi, little bird.” He sat me down and threw the ball for Ollie when she came bounding up to him. I wasn’t the only one happy to see him. “I’m so fucking sorry about earlier. I was an asshole.”

  A lady with a tiny designer puppy shot Nick a look at his crass language. She turned up her nose and went to sit on another bench.

  “I’m sorry too.” I rested my head on his arm as we both watch Ollie play with a golden retriever. “You have every right to be concerned, and I should have explained why I needed to go instead of leaving.”

  He put his arm around my shoulder, kissing the top of my head. “How was therapy?”

  “It was good. Hard, but really good.” When Ollie ran off in the opposite direction to play more with doggie friends instead of us, we went and sat on a vacant bench. “I talked to her about the dinner. And she agrees that as long as I feel up to it, I should go.”

  “Do you feel up to it?”

  I nodded. “I do. I know it won’t be easy, but I really feel like ending things with Collin will make me feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.” Nicky’s face still held nothing but worry. “I can do this, Nick. I need to do this.” I wanted the Collin pill-filled chapter of my life to be over. I wanted to move on. I wanted to be healthy and happy and whole.

  “I know you can do it, Evie.” He tucked me against his side, squeezing me tightly. “But please don’t let him touch you. I don’t want him close enough to hurt you.”

  “I won’t.” The thought of Collin touching me was making me feel sick to my stomach. How had I ever been with him? How had I ever thought our twisted games were fun? “I promise.”

  Nicky stood, reaching for my hand. “Come on, let’s go home and make up.”

  “Make up?” I grabbed Ollie’s leash from the beach. “Isn’t that what we were doing back there?”

  He spun me around and then dipped me, kissing my lips and making me laugh. “Oh no. I think there is one more, very naked step to making up after a fight.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Nick

  Make-up sex with Evie was everything I thought it would be. That being said, I didn’t like fighting with her. She had enough on her plate; she shouldn’t have to deal with my fears in addition to her own.

  Evie was getting better every day. I could see it in her face, her smile, the way she seemed so relaxed. She liked to cook, always trying to get me to eat healthier. I’d consumed more green food in the last week than I had in my entire adult life. She’d also bought me a ridiculously expensive blender-like contraption. We had veggie-filled smoothies morning, noon, and night. But I wasn’t complaining. I loved every single fucking second of it. And, best of all, she was gaining weight.

  I wanted to encourage her progress, I wanted to support her efforts and do what I could to help. If that meant putting my insecurities aside about this stupid fucking dinner, then I would do it. I would do anything for her.

  “You’re staring at me.” She put her hand over my eyes, hiding her smile from my view.

  We were lying in my bed, naked and tangled together. “You’re beautiful.”

  She moved her hand away. “Says the tattooed god?”

  “Ha.” I tickled her ribs, her increasingly less bony ribs. “I knew you thought I was a tattooed god.”

  “Of course I did.” She traced her fingertips across the wings covering the front of my shoulders. “You were the only guy I’d ever wanted like that, the only guy I’d ever wanted to touch me and kiss me. I’d never felt lust before the day I met you.”

  “And since me?”

  “I’ve never felt the same about anyone, the way I feel about you.”

  I wanted to ask more. I wanted to know if anyone had hurt her, if anyone had made her feel like she was nothing. Like she didn’t matter. And then I wanted their names, and I wanted to go find them and kick their asses. But I didn’t want her reliving
anything that would upset her. So instead, I said something that I hoped would make her happy.

  “I never see clients after I tattoo them and I certainly never invite them back to my apartment. It’s a rule, one that I didn’t break until the night I met you.” I brushed her hair back from her beautiful face. “I fell asleep that night knowing that I didn’t want things between us to be over. And when I woke up and you were gone? It hurt.” I put my hand over my heart. “I felt like a pussy, and Bleu called me one for days.” She laughed quietly and the sound made me smile. “You’ve always been mine, little bird, and I’m so damn sorry I let you go.”

  She shook her head. “I was so naïve when we met, Nicky. I didn’t know anything about the world or my place in it.” She took a deep breath. “I may have gone about things the wrong way, and I may have made some really fucking terrible choices…but everything happens for a reason, right? And I’m here now.”

  “You’re here now.” I leaned forward, kissing her lips sweetly. “And I’m not letting you go this time.”

  Chapter Thirty

  Evie

  Getting ready for dinner tonight wasn’t like dinner last night. Last night Nicky and I had shared his bathroom, music playing in the background while we brushed our teeth. We’d put on comfy clothes and ordered from three different takeout places, and then we had eaten on his terrace. I loved this past week at his apartment, in his bed. I felt healthy and happy. I felt like I was well on my way to a better life, with an amazing guy.

  But it was time to let the real world in. It was time to face my demons, and slay a few dragons. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing Collin. I wasn’t looking forward to telling him it was over. Don’t get me wrong, I was elated to be done with him. But he was unpredictable and vindictive. He was cruel to the core, and I expected nothing less than a fight.

  I put on the black diamond studs my Aunt Lexi had given me for my sixteenth birthday. I didn’t wear them often, because they were three carats each. That was Aunt Lex though, rocker couture all the way. They went perfectly with the vintage black Alexander Wang mini dress I’d bought a few weeks ago. It had sheer black paneling over my chest and arms, and the corset was snug across my body, which showed that I was gaining weight. I wasn’t self-conscious; I was proud of myself. I’d been too thin. I’d been sick.

  “You look beautiful, little bird.”

  I looked up, meeting Nicky’s gaze in the mirror. “Thank you.”

  He stepped up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder. “I’ve been a dick about all this, and I’m sorry.”

  “I get it.” How could I not? I was leaving him, basically for the first time in a week, to go spend the evening with a guy neither one of us could stand. Albeit for really different reasons. “But, I need to do this. And I won’t be gone long.” I turned, kissing his rough cheek. “As soon as the awards are over, I’m out of there and on my way home.” Home. I’d never thought of the Kappa house as home, or any of the dorms or apartments I’d had in the last two years. Nicky’s place was the first that felt like home since I’d left the compound.

  “I’m going to go have a few beers with Bleu so I don’t wear a hole in the floor waiting for you to get back.” He rested his forehead against mine.

  “Probably a good idea.” I kissed him, pouring my heart into it and smudging my lip gloss in the process. “I’m going to be okay, I promise.”

  “I know you will, little bird.” He put his hand on my ass, leading me out of the bathroom. “And if you aren’t, I’ll kill him.”

  ***

  “Get the fuck over here, you little whore, you.” Maykin held her arms out when I walked into my sorority house, a playful smile on her face.

  I laughed and let her envelop me in her arms, her familiar Chanel perfume filling my nose. “Oh, let me see.” I stepped back, taking her hand and then spinning her in a circle. She’d bought a backless dress when we’d gone shopping together, but since then Bleu had done her carousel tattoo. “I love it, Mayk.”

  “I know, right?”

  It was vibrant and detailed; the horse looked like it could jump off her back and into a 1953 state fair at any second. “Bleu is really talented.” I giggled. “No wonder he hates wasting his time on small pieces.”

  “Speaking of Bleu.”

  “Please tell me you didn’t fuck him.” Nicky swore they had a rule about hooking up with clients, but Maykin was pushy and bold. She typically got what she wanted out of life.

  “Not yet.” She winked. “He told me he you’ve been hanging around the shop this week. I assume that means you’re still hooking up with the infamous Nick?”

  “It does.” I pursed my lips, narrowing my eyes slightly. “Exactly how many times a day do you talk to Bleu? He doesn’t seem like the chatty texter type.”

  “You know better than anyone that there is an exception to every rule.” She shrugged, her wicked grin firmly in place. “But for real, enough about Bleu, tell me about Nick. I want all the details. The sex has to blow anything you had with Collin right out of the fucking water.”

  It took me taking a step away to see that Maykin had never been a fake friend. She’d always been someone I could count on, someone I could be honest with. Yeah, she let me pop pills to the point of no return, but that was Maykin. She didn’t judge. She wasn’t here to stop anyone’s party. I’d seemed happy, so she’d been happy for me. And I’d missed her. I’d missed talking to her.

  “You have no idea.”

  “Evie, your car is here.” Chasity was standing in the doorway, a plastic smile on her face. How much of our conversation had she heard? Not like it really mattered; I was ending everything with Collin tonight. Who cared if I technically cheated? He cheated pretty much every damn night.

  I took a deep breath, trying to keep the unnecessary stress out of my mind. I grabbed Maykin’s hand, pulling her out the door with me. I sent Chasity a sassy grin as we passed.

  “Ride with me?” I was still leading Maykin out the door, not really giving her much choice in the matter.

  “He got the top-shelf shit in there?” The chauffer opened our door, tipping his fancy hat at us as we climbed inside.

  “Knowing Collin? He’s got way more than booze stocked in here.” This wasn’t our first event together, and this wasn’t the first time he’d sent a car to pick me up. I knew that all I had to do was look and I’d find everything I typically needed.

  Mayk immediately popped the cork on an expensive bottle of champagne, filling two flutes and handing me one before the driver could even pull out of the circular drive. “Cheers, to tattooed gods.”

  I shook my head as I clicked my glass to hers and then took a small sip. “Cheers.”

  “Are you pregnant?” Maykin’s jaw was on the floor.

  “What? No.” I took another really small sip.

  She gestured to my glass with hers. “Are you sure? Because the Evie James I know would have already downed that one and would be asking for another. A fancy dinner with Collin? E, you’d have an entire bottle downed by the time we got there.”

  Would I? Was the drinking as bad as the pills? Was I an alcoholic too? I needed to make a list of questions to ask my therapist next week. “I, um, I’m weaning myself off Adderall.” I gave her a quick shrug. “I tend to get these headaches from it.” Plus, I simply didn’t feel like drinking. I didn’t feel like I needed it. I wanted to get through this dinner, get rid of Collin, and cry in bed with Nicky.

  “Wow. E, that’s…that’s really great.” Maykin took the champagne from me and downed it before putting it back on the shelf. She reached for my hand, squeezing it. “You look good.”

  “I feel good.” I wrinkled my nose. “Not to sound like one of those motivational speakers or anything, but I feel like a new person. I guess I didn’t realize just how fucked up my life had become.” I looked around the car, taking in all the over-the-top touches and crystal glasses. “Everything was fine, and then all of sudden nothin
g was. You know?”

  “I do.” She tipped back her glass, polishing it off and then setting it down. “We don’t need to party to hang out, you know that, right?” She lifted her shoulders. “You ever want to, oh I don’t know, have a little Netflix night, I’d be more than happy to come over.”

  “And have Nicky invite Bleu?”

  “I mean, we’re all friends here, E.”

  I shook my head, smiling. “Yes, we are.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Nick

  “You realize you’ve checked your phone about ten times in the last thirty minutes?” Bleu shoved another beer in my hand, shaking his head sadly. “If you’re that worried about Evie, then fucking call her.”

  I’d thought meeting Bleu at The Quarter Bar would be a good distraction while Evie was gone, but I’d been wrong. She was all I could think about.

  “Or better yet, since you picked a bar less than a mile from where her fancy-pants dinner is, walk over and get her.” He took a sip of his beer, talking to me while his eyes were on the baseball game in front of him.

  “She’ll think I don’t trust her.” It was important that she knew I had faith in her. Storming into that ballroom and hauling her out thrown over my shoulder wasn’t a good example of that. “Weren’t you the one that said I needed to give her a chance to see her strength?”

  “Maybe she’ll think you’re obsessed with her.” He spared me a quick glance. “Which you are.”

  I was. “Can you change the subject? Tell me what’s going on in your life.” I drank half my beer, playing with the stack of coasters in front of me.

  “I’ve been spending some time with Evie’s friend Maykin.” He shrugged like it was no big deal. “We’ve texted some, had a drink the other night. She seems like a cool chick.”

  “Is that why you bailed on your blind date to hang with me tonight?”

  “No. I bailed on my blind date because I knew you’d be climbing the walls thinking about your small sparrow hanging out with all those peckerheads.” He wasn’t wrong there; drinks with him was barely enough distraction.