Sanctuary (RiffRaff Records Book 5) Read online

  Evie: I’ll be there.

  “What’s got all those lines forming on your forehead?” Nicky put his hand on my shin, drawing my attention away from the shitstorm brewing in my phone.

  “Nothing.” I clicked it off, but when I went to sit it on the coffee table he hit the back of my hand, sending my cell sailing through the air and right into his waiting palm. “Nicky. Please don’t.”

  “Tell me what’s going on and I won’t.” When I opened my mouth to assure him everything was fine, he held his hand up. “Please don’t try to lie to me, Evie, not after everything we’ve gone through this week.” He was pleading, like I could easily break him with one wrong word.

  He was right. He deserved the truth. He deserved to know the kind of person I really was, just how far I’d actually fallen. “There is this guy, and he’s always had a thing for me. But he’s a dick, literally the worst kind of person.” I bit at my bottom lip, stalling for a second to find my voice. “Finals this semester kicked my ass, and I ran out of Adderall pretty quick. He had what I needed and the second he realized it, he had me cornered, I guess.” I could feel Nicky’s hand tightening on my leg. He didn’t like where this was heading. And neither did I. “It wasn’t so bad at first. It was amusing, the way he thought he could win with me. I liked giving him shit and watching him fight to keep his cool.”

  “But then?”

  “But then, it became less fun. And after I saw you again, it became unbearable.” I shook my head, hating myself so fully in that moment it was all consuming. “I’m not doing what he wants, and he’s pissed. It’s all about image to Collin.”

  “Collin.” He nodded slowly, a humorless smile on his face. “That was the guy you and Maykin were talking about. The guy who gave you the pills. The guy you were with on Sunday?”

  “I had brunch with him and his parents, then I met up with him later for drinks. That was the deal this time. I make my appearances and he’d give me the pills.”

  Nicky closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. I could see his barely contained anger brewing under the surface. I tried to take my legs out of his lap, but his grip only tightened. “So your boyfriend is your dealer?”

  “Actually, my doctor is my dealer. Collin is supplemental, and he gives me the downers.” That was how I kept it all straight in my head anyway. That was how I justified my fucked-up life.

  “Do you sleep with him in exchange for pills?” Nicky’s voice had a hard edge to it, one I’d never heard before.

  “It’s not that simple.” And it wasn’t. Collin and I were, for all intents and purposes, dating. He’d taken me home to meet his parents, although he’d never get the privilege of meeting mine.

  “Do you love him?”

  I snorted, even though this was not a comical situation. “God no. I can’t even remember the last time I felt lukewarm like for the guy.”

  “But you have sex with him.”

  He didn’t pose it as a question, yet it seemed like he wanted an answer. “I have had sex with him, in the past. It’s been a couple weeks though. Now he finds some random chick to hook up with because I keep begging off.”

  “Jesus, Evie. Do you hear yourself right now?” Nicky got to his feet, his face a mask of disbelief. “Your boyfriend cheats on you, but that’s okay because you can’t stand to fuck him? What the hell?”

  I stood up as well—this was no longer one of those sit-down discussions. “I know it’s a little twisted, but what’s the big deal? He wanted me on his arm, I wanted his pills.”

  “The big deal is you were basically whoring yourself out to feed your addiction.”

  My jaw dropped open in outrage. “I was not.”

  “Oh, okay. What would you call fucking a guy you can’t stand so that he’ll keep you in a steady supply of Adderall and Vicodin? Hm? What would you call it, Evie?”

  I threw my hands in the air, getting more amped up by the second. “Look. We both know that my life is a little left of ordinary at this point. Collin was fun for a few minutes, and then he wasn’t. But he had what I needed and he had me by the balls.”

  “He had you by the balls or he had his balls in your mouth?” Nicky had his head cocked, mocking me and making me want throw something else.

  “Are you slut-shaming me? Grow the fuck up, Nick.”

  “Oh I need to grow up?” He pointed at his bare chest, his finger landing on the large bird’s tail feathers. “Really?”

  “Are you really going to stand there and tell me that you’ve never fucked someone you didn’t like?” I pursed my lips. “Because it seems to me that a ‘tattooed god’ would no doubt get plenty of strange.”

  “I never fucked anyone I hated.” He shook his head. “I’ve never fucked someone as payment.”

  That last comment hit me in the gut a little, but I was too angry to stop now. I stepped closer to him, getting in his face. “Everything was fine before I saw you again. I had it handled until I saw your stupid face. And then all of sudden the thought of Collin touching me wasn’t annoying, it was revolting.”

  “Stop blaming this shit on me.” He cut his hand through the air. “You were already out of control before you walked into my shop, but you were too high to notice,” he scoffed. “I don’t understand how you can do that to yourself, how you can be with someone like that. How did you fall so far?”

  He was making me feel like shit, and he was breaking my heart. “If I could go back and change the things I’ve done I’m not proud of, Collin wouldn’t even be the first on the list.” I held his gaze, refusing to look away.

  “He hurt you; he wanted to keep you down and addicted. He had you right—”

  I tossed my head back, letting out an irritated groan. “Why are we still talking about Collin? He was a mistake. He was a means to an end. Who the fuck cares at this point?”

  “I do.” Nicky yelled, the sound echoing off the walls.

  I matched him, decibel for decibel. “Why?”

  “Because I’m fucking jealous.” His hands were in the air, his chest heaving. “Because you ran to him when you left here. Because he would rather see you die than get you help. Because knowing someone else touched what’s mine is making me want to fucking punch a hole through the fucking wall.” He tossed his arms out wide, his tone softening. “Whether it makes sense or not, whether it’s right or wrong…you’re mine, little bird.

  “Faults, flaws, and all. You’re mine.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Evie

  His words, they broke me. Tears were streaming down my face faster than I could wipe them away. Nicky was the most gorgeous, selfless, wonderful guy I’d ever met and he’d called me his. I jumped into his arms, wrapping myself around his body, letting his strength fill my empty soul. Finally, he was letting me touch him. He was letting himself feel something for me other than concern and worry. Maybe I wasn’t breakable anymore in his eyes.

  I didn’t deserve his friendship, much less his heart. But in that moment, he was exactly what I needed. He made me feel warm and safe and cared for. He made me feel like I was fine, exactly the way I was. Maybe if quiet, bookworm, introvert Evie was good enough for him, she’d be good enough for me again.

  He fisted his hands in my hair, moving me back so he could look into my eyes. “You’ve been mine since the first day I met you, Evie James. I inked you first, I touched you first. I was inside you first.” He kissed my cheeks, kissed my tears.

  “I don’t deserve you.” I rested my forehead against his, trying to calm my racing heart. “You’re so good to me, and I’m so fucking messed up.”

  I could hear the smile in his voice. “So what if you are, little bird?” He put his lips on mine, kissing me gently. “Either way, you’re my mess, all mine.” His hands went to my jaw, holding me in place while his mouth wreaked havoc on my brain. He carried me back to his bedroom, laying me out on his mattress, the only light coming from the TV in the living room.

  The look on his face as he stared down at me…I’d nev
er felt so adored in my entire life. I could see the emotion in his eyes, the want and the affection.

  He stepped back, pulling off my black yoga pants then my lace thong. His gaze stayed on mine the entire time he climbed up my body. “I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.” I needed him to know that he’d always been on my mind. That I compared everyone to him, and everyone else came up lacking.

  He kissed my lips, my breasts, my neck. His hands caressed my skin, every inch of it he could reach. His fingers found their way into my core, making my back arch off the soft white sheets. When I took his dick in my palm, stroking him slowly, he reached over my head and took a condom out of his nightstand.

  “Let me hear you say it, little bird.”

  His words, whispered against my skin, made chills travel down my spine. Let me hear you say it. He’d said that to me in the dark, so long ago. “Keep going, Nicky. Please.”

  He entered me smoothly, in one hard thrust. I couldn’t help but gasp, my muscles wanting to immediately clench. My body didn’t ever want him to leave it.

  “Fuck, Evie…” His hands went to my hair, tugging lightly, and pulling strands loose from my top knot. “You feel…”

  I loved that he couldn’t even form complete thoughts. I loved that I was doing this to him. That we were doing this to him. I dug my nails into his ass, making him fuck me harder as I screamed out my release. I had barely come down when I felt him start to throb inside me.

  I felt like everything had changed again. My life would be forever divided into two categories. Before Nicky had called me his, and after. Like the first night we met, Nick made me feels things that no one else could. This time it was hope and light and strength.

  I had to choose to get better. I had to do the work. And I knew deep down that I needed to do it for me, because I wanted to.

  But I also knew that Nick would be beside me the whole way, and that made the journey seem a lot less daunting.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Nick

  I’d finished with my third client of the day when Evie walked in, an armload of takeout in one hand and balancing a drink holder in the other.

  “Hey, little bird.” I came around the counter, taking everything from her and setting it down behind me. “Am I a pussy if I say I missed you?” I picked her up, kissing her lips as she wrapped her thighs around my waist. All at once, work was the last fucking thing on my mind.

  “Yes. You’re a giant fucking pussy.” Bleu was digging through the food on the counter, a sarcastic grin on his face. “Is there enough for me?”

  I sat Evie on the counter. “Yeah, I wasn’t sure what everyone liked so I ordered a bunch of different stuff.” She pulled one of the drinks from the egg carton-looking holder and then shifted her legs over the counter.

  “Well. That’s because you two barely know each other, tiny falcon.” Bleu bit into a burrito, dripping refried beans down his chin.

  She smiled at him sweetly. “You’re welcome for lunch, fucker.” Evie was wearing some tiny cutoff shorts, her bare legs swinging as she gave Bleu a hard time right back. She looked phenomenal, and I wanted to take her into my office and bang her on top of all my bills.

  Bleu took another bite, talking around it. “Hey, speaking of fuckers, would you two want to come be my buffers on this terrible blind date I have to go on next week?”

  I said no the same time Evie said depends on when. I looked at her, shaking my head adamantly. “Why in the hell would we want to spend our time watching Bleu tried to get laid by a girl he just met?”

  “Uh, exsqueeze me? I’m pretty sure we spent about six years of time doing that exact thing together.” He bobbed his head with attitude. “You think because you’ve got on-demand ass now you’re too good to watch me get mine? Rude.”

  Bleu hated blind dates, and he only wanted us to come with so he’d have an excuse to ignore the chick. His mom was constantly setting him up, and Bleu would do anything to make his mom happy. Including going out with chicks completely wrong for him.

  Evie snorted and then started to cough. “It’ll be fun, Nicky.”

  “It will not be fun, Evie.” I stepped between her thighs, simply because I was unable to help myself at this point. “You don’t even like Bleu.”

  He let out a dramatic gasp.

  “What? I love Bleu. What made you think I didn’t?”

  When she went to pop another tortilla chip in her mouth, I took it from her and handed her a flour tortilla instead. She needed to eat. “He called you Girl Interrupted last night while he was on speakerphone and then you proceeded to ask him if his STDs were a health code violation at the shop.”

  “That was a good one, mini magpie.” He held his hand up and Evie high-fived it. “We have a love-hate relationship.”

  “He’s like the little brother I never had…although I do have a bunch of little brothers, figuratively speaking…” Evie shoved the rest of the tortilla in her mouth, looking pointedly at me. “Which means, we would love to come with you on your blind date. Watching you crash and burn would give me material for the next two weeks.”

  “Score.” Bleu did a ‘90s fist pump into the air.

  I picked Evie up, putting my hands under her ass. I’d held out as long as I could. I needed to fuck her now. “As long as your date isn’t on Tuesday. I have plans that night.”

  “Crap. Looks like I’m blind dating solo.” He hung his head like a sad puppy dog.

  I sat her back down, confused. “What plans?” She and I didn’t have plans. And she hated all her friends, except for maybe Maykin. Who the hell was she hanging out with?

  “I told you, I have that officers’ dinner I can’t get out of.” She shrugged like this was something we’d already discussed.

  “Who plans fancy douche conventions in the middle of the week?” Bleu took a sip out of his large white Styrofoam cup.

  Evie shrugged, talking to Bleu like my head wasn’t over here about to explode. “Tuesdays are the nights sororities and frats usually hold their weekly meetings, so the inductions always take place that same night. Tradition and all that shit.”

  “Wait. With Collin? You aren’t still going to that, are you?” What I really wanted to say was, you aren’t still going to that. Period. But I didn’t want her to throw her drink at my head and make a big mess in the lobby. She was weaning off her Adderall, but her mood swings could still get mildly destructive. Last night she’d snapped her chopsticks in half because her hands were shaking too bad to use them.

  She nodded. “I have to go, Nicky.”

  “Why?” Did she want to see him again? The way she talked about him, I seriously doubted that. “All that’s waiting there for you is a chance to get more pills.” I regretted the words the instant I said them.

  “You know what, I’m gonna take my burrito and bounce.” Bleu moonwalked down the hall, burrito in hand.

  “I’m going to the dinner, Nick.” She hopped off the counter, shoving past me and heading toward the door.

  “Why are you leaving?” I hated the mocking angry tone of my voice, but I couldn’t seem to control it. “Running again?”

  Evie stopped and turned around slowly, almost scary slow. Like a serial killer in a horror movie. “No. I’m going to therapy, asshole.”

  “Shit.” I raced to catch up to her before she could walk out. “Evie, I’m so fucking sorry.” I took her hands in mine. “I’m acting like a jealous prick. I’m worried about you. I hate the thought of you being around all your old triggers without me.” I hung my head, completely pissed at myself for being so mean to her. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’ve got to go, I don’t want to be late for my first appointment.” She kissed my cheek and then left without another look back.

  “Damn, son.” I turned around to find Bleu with a quesadilla in his hand, shaking his head. “That was rough.”

  I sat down on the black leather couch we had in the waiting area, groaning into my hands. “I know. I feel like shit.”
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  “You should.” He came and sat beside me, handing me some food. “But only to an extent.” He leaned back, stretching his feet out on the coffee table. “You have every right to be worried about her, to be scared that she’ll mess up again. The thing is, though, that fear will only start to fade when you start to trust her. How is she supposed to get stronger if you keep her away from all the situations that can prove her strength?”

  I was pretty sure my jaw was on the floor. “Where did that come from?” Bleu liked jokes and veiled insults, he was rarely if ever, serious. “That was insightful as fuck, man.”

  He shrugged. “I picked up a book on addiction the other day, seemed like a good read.”

  He’d gone to the bookstore, found a book on addiction, and read it. All within a couple of days? Seemed like a good read? I highly doubted that. He’d done it for me. He’d done it for Evie, because he cared. “You really do love-hate her, don’t you?”

  “My best friend in the whole world love-loves her, so yeah, of course I do.” He got up, going back to the food like he hadn’t said something completely sweet and caring.

  We were dudes; we didn’t talk all that much about our feelings. So this conversation with Bleu had basically been heartfelt. Maybe if Evie had more real people in her life, she wouldn’t feel so out of sorts all the time.

  I should have applauded her for wanting to face all her fears. But I was so terrified that she’d slip, and that I’d lose her.

  What if she never came back?

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Evie

  “Do you want to go to the dinner, Evie?”

  My therapist, Dr. Caroline, was intense. We’d been talking for thirty minutes now, and I swear the whole session was her asking me question after question. When did we get to the part where she made insightful comments about my life?